Friday, May 9, 2014

Day 18: Bless me father, for I have sinned.

I write this on the painful, regretful morning of Day 19, Friday. Let's recap yesterday.
All was well. I had my smoothies, my healthy lunch, my snacks. And then - it was Bainbridge Island's Ladies Night Out sponsored by the downtown association.
And I was going. I was meeting a group of girls for sushi and then we'd shop and end up at a mexican restaurant for prizes at the end of the night.
(I could end here as you probably know where this is headed. But, for shits and giggles....)
I've got this.
Even Olive - my 6-year-old knew that I had this.
In the car driving through Winslow she said, "You'll come down here and shop with your friends. And have WINE. Except for you. You'll have water."
:That's right," I said, laughing.

How wrong we both were.

I decided while I was walking to sushi that I was going to have a glass of wine. I knew I was falling off the diet, but it was girls' night out and I was only going to have one glass with my girlfriends.
And I did. I had one glass at sushi. And it tasted like a sugar bomb. So I sipped my comforting, familiar tea and water.
I stayed within the diet eating fish and rice and veggies.
And then I asked for gluten-free sot sauce.
Also NOT on the diet. (I wasn't supposed to introduce soy until next week.)
We left without me ordering more wine and started walking around to the shops. The first stop served champagne. Why the hell not? I've ruined the diet tonight anyway! I sipped it very slowly, that cup of bubbling sugar.
This wasn't a slippery slope. This was a damn cliff that I just stepped off.
Even though I did fine the next couple hours, we got to the mexican restaurant and I ordered a glass of white wine.
It tasted like syrup.
But I drank it anyway. I drank it anyway!!!
And I ordered chips (not on the diet until this weekend) and guacamole (on the diet).
And then a glass of red wine. Not as sweet. Also obviously - NOT on the diet.
At one point I accidentally dipped my chip in salsa - tomatoes are NOT on the diet, so I lay the chip on the table and said, "Oh, no."
"what?" my friends said.
"I can't have tomatoes. And for some reason, I'm going to be strict about that one," I said as I sipped my wine. They all laughed. Because, really. I was the epitome of ridiculous.
The wine had gone straight to my head. Did not pass Go. Did not collect $200.
I was loud. I over-shared. I lost my train of thought. More than once. And I was having fun.
When I got home I was bloated, but who the hell knows why? The multitude of chips and guac? The soy sauce? The sugar in the alcohol? This was no test, this was just - badness.

And I'm paying for it this morning. Hail Marys and Our Fathers won't make it better.

I woke up feeling unrested with a horrible headache,  a bad attitude and a big dose of regret. Now
I can't do my wheat test today because my body is still metabolizing the alcohol. (Get this shit out of me, please! It's horrible!)

As bad as I have felt on this diet - and I mostly have felt bad - I haven't felt as bad as I do today. Brain fog. Tired. Headache. Bitchy (YELLING at my kids this morning because they were singing too loudly).Yes, I had soy and corn last night, but this isn't rocket surgery. I feel horrible because of the alcohol.
And it really wasn't worth it. Not. At. All. I'm seriously considering cutting it out of my diet forever. And no, this isn't the typical hangover promise of, "I'm never drinking again!" This is more, "I hate the fact that my insides feel like they're burning and I'm in a daze and just want to sleep, so maybe I shouldn't drink ever again" feeling. Is that the same thing? I don't think so. But then again, I'm not thinking so well this morning.

ANYway, now I have to detox for another day or two before I can get on track with the food testing.
I tested alcohol last night and found out it is some strong, evil shit.
And alcohol tested me last night and found out what it already knew - I am weak.

So here I sit, sipping my green tea and my banana smoothie, confessing. Lefty kissed me good bye and said, "You smell like tea and broken promises." Thanks, dear. That makes me feel SO much better.

WHY? Tell me Annie.

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