Monday, April 28, 2014

Confessions of a skinny girl: i'm SORRY!!!

OK. I know I'm skinny. And I'm SORRY!!! I was blessed with good genetics, a high metabolism and love of athletics. I've been skinny my whole life. Even when I was pregnant I was skinny. I have never only dieted to lose weight, like, once. I'm SORRY!! And here's the catch: I'm terrified of getting fat. My  mom was REALLY skinny until she had 4 kids and then spent the rest of her sedentary life dieting to no avail until she got old and then gave in, sitting around playing bridge and drinking martinis. She never got obese, but she did get fat. And when she was diagnosed with cancer, she told me about her friends who'd lost weight when they  had cancer. She really said that. And I yelled, "This is not a weight loss plan!!!" A couple months before she died I saw her in just her underwear and she said with a smile, "I haven't been this thin since high school!"Really.
But I have to give her a bit of a break -  when she was my age, it was the pre-Jane Fonda work-out tapes era and decades before cross fit gyms. The only exercise women got in the '70s involved chasing children and doing housework sprinkled with a couple trips to the Y where they stood with those beige bands wrapped around them shaking their asses.

(this is not my mom)

The fear of the skinny girl is being the skinny girl who then became fat. You know, like when Bender describes it to Claire in The Breakfast Club.

 "She used to be so skinny!" They'll say. "She really let herself go." They whisper. Or even worse, the snickers!! (yum, snickers. Wait no, not that kind).

See, when you're skinny, other women say to you, "You're so skinny!" But not in a friendly way. The tone is usually accusing like you're skinny just to piss them off. And that there's no way I'm allowed to have body issues.

Well, clearly, I have body issues. And I'm allowed! Sure, a psychologist might disagree with me here, and I know I probably shouldn't have body issues, but I do things my own way, m'kay? I'm SORRY!

This is why I obsess about my damn belly. I'm sure there are women who would kill to have my belly. I'm SORRY! But do you want a belly that sticks out further than your boobs? I didn't think so. But that's what I have. Boobs are 2 things I was not blessed with.  And if my belly didn't bloat beyond my bra size, I probably wouldn't be so concerned about it at all as much. But it sticks out beyond the boobs! That's not ok. And I'm not getting a boob job. I wouldn't know what to do with boobs. I'd probably hurt myself. And I like people looking into my eyes when they talk to me.

All that being said, I am not doing this regimen to lose weight. I know I don't need to lose weight. I'm SORRY! But I have a host of issues beyond body image, one of them my belly, that I'm trying to figure out with the diet.

I hope that this clears the air about my belly and why I was posting pictures of it. I don't expect anyone to understand or to care, and am not looking for sympathy. But just so you don't think I'm crazy or on the verge of anorexia, that's my story. I blame the Title Nine catalog for part of it. The other part is just pure neuroses.

Title Nine girl with 6-pack abs being cute jumping over waves.
Me with flabby belly and a padded bikini top (so that my belly doesn't go beyond the boobs) being extra sexy, eating meat on a stick.
p.s. I'm sucking in my belly here a little.

photo credit: Nina Heck Cousins

p.p.s. I'm not really sorry for anything. Except the picture of me eating meat on a stick. I HATE this picture!!! I like it from the padded bikini top up because I think that's totally sexy. From the bikini top to the top of my bikini bottoms, vomit.


  1. i think you look great -- but what matters most is how YOU feel about your body ... no apologies necessary as far as I'm concerned! :)

  2. Thanks. I enjoyed this. Great writing and rooting for you to feel better!

  3. Title 9 girl is probably sucking it in too.

  4. Ah. I am that skinny girl who got fat, so I know your fear. I'm living on the other side of it right now, actually. I didn't think I had any body issues until this happened, then I realized I had internalized all sorts of horrible ideas. I liked my body before; it wasn't perfect, but I liked it. Now I feel defeated by it. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, except as a bit of solidarity, and to say that you're not alone with the belly issues. It's not easy to be a woman in this culture and grow up without body issues, no matter what your body looks like to other people. No apologies necessary!

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