I write this on the painful, regretful morning of Day 19, Friday. Let's recap yesterday.
All was well. I had my smoothies, my healthy lunch, my snacks. And then - it was Bainbridge Island's Ladies Night Out sponsored by the downtown association.
And I was going. I was meeting a group of girls for sushi and then we'd shop and end up at a mexican restaurant for prizes at the end of the night.
(I could end here as you probably know where this is headed. But, for shits and giggles....)
I've got this.
Even Olive - my 6-year-old knew that I had this.
In the car driving through Winslow she said, "You'll come down here and shop with your friends. And have WINE. Except for you. You'll have water."
:That's right," I said, laughing.
How wrong we both were.
I decided while I was walking to sushi that I was going to have a glass of wine. I knew I was falling off the diet, but it was girls' night out and I was only going to have one glass with my girlfriends.
And I did. I had one glass at sushi. And it tasted like a sugar bomb. So I sipped my comforting, familiar tea and water.
I stayed within the diet eating fish and rice and veggies.
And then I asked for gluten-free sot sauce.
Also NOT on the diet. (I wasn't supposed to introduce soy until next week.)
We left without me ordering more wine and started walking around to the shops. The first stop served champagne. Why the hell not? I've ruined the diet tonight anyway! I sipped it very slowly, that cup of bubbling sugar.
This wasn't a slippery slope. This was a damn cliff that I just stepped off.
Even though I did fine the next couple hours, we got to the mexican restaurant and I ordered a glass of white wine.
It tasted like syrup.
But I drank it anyway. I drank it anyway!!!
And I ordered chips (not on the diet until this weekend) and guacamole (on the diet).
And then a glass of red wine. Not as sweet. Also obviously - NOT on the diet.
At one point I accidentally dipped my chip in salsa - tomatoes are NOT on the diet, so I lay the chip on the table and said, "Oh, no."
"what?" my friends said.
"I can't have tomatoes. And for some reason, I'm going to be strict about that one," I said as I sipped my wine. They all laughed. Because, really. I was the epitome of ridiculous.
The wine had gone straight to my head. Did not pass Go. Did not collect $200.
I was loud. I over-shared. I lost my train of thought. More than once. And I was having fun.
When I got home I was bloated, but who the hell knows why? The multitude of chips and guac? The soy sauce? The sugar in the alcohol? This was no test, this was just - badness.
And I'm paying for it this morning. Hail Marys and Our Fathers won't make it better.
I woke up feeling unrested with a horrible headache, a bad attitude and a big dose of regret. Now
I can't do my wheat test today because my body is still metabolizing the alcohol. (Get this shit out of me, please! It's horrible!)
As bad as I have felt on this diet - and I mostly have felt bad - I haven't felt as bad as I do today. Brain fog. Tired. Headache. Bitchy (YELLING at my kids this morning because they were singing too loudly).Yes, I had soy and corn last night, but this isn't rocket surgery. I feel horrible because of the alcohol.
And it really wasn't worth it. Not. At. All. I'm seriously considering cutting it out of my diet forever. And no, this isn't the typical hangover promise of, "I'm never drinking again!" This is more, "I hate the fact that my insides feel like they're burning and I'm in a daze and just want to sleep, so maybe I shouldn't drink ever again" feeling. Is that the same thing? I don't think so. But then again, I'm not thinking so well this morning.
ANYway, now I have to detox for another day or two before I can get on track with the food testing.
I tested alcohol last night and found out it is some strong, evil shit.
And alcohol tested me last night and found out what it already knew - I am weak.
So here I sit, sipping my green tea and my banana smoothie, confessing. Lefty kissed me good bye and said, "You smell like tea and broken promises." Thanks, dear. That makes me feel SO much better.
WHY? Tell me Annie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG7I4oniOyA
Friday, May 9, 2014
Day 17 - Gluten Tag!
Turns out I'm gut with gluten!
On Wednesday - Day 17 - I introduced barley into my diet. After feeling back to my (almost) normal self with the brown rice, I wanted to try barley to see if I reacted to the gluten. So I made a salad of barley, herbs, asparagus and a dijon vinaigrette. YUM. I had 3 servings throughout the day and had NO gluten reactions! No brain fog! No ridiculous bloat! And the next day, poop was normal. So it seems I'm ok with gluten.
So next up...test the wheat. Even though my doctor told me to avoid wheat, I kind of have to know what causes what I thought was a gluten reaction in the past. I think Friday will be wheat day.
overall, I'm feeling better than I was with the addition of brown rice, but I still have to make sure I always eat on time or else I get light headed and irritable. I'm glad I'm in the "testing" phase, reintroducing food back into my diet!
On Wednesday - Day 17 - I introduced barley into my diet. After feeling back to my (almost) normal self with the brown rice, I wanted to try barley to see if I reacted to the gluten. So I made a salad of barley, herbs, asparagus and a dijon vinaigrette. YUM. I had 3 servings throughout the day and had NO gluten reactions! No brain fog! No ridiculous bloat! And the next day, poop was normal. So it seems I'm ok with gluten.
So next up...test the wheat. Even though my doctor told me to avoid wheat, I kind of have to know what causes what I thought was a gluten reaction in the past. I think Friday will be wheat day.
overall, I'm feeling better than I was with the addition of brown rice, but I still have to make sure I always eat on time or else I get light headed and irritable. I'm glad I'm in the "testing" phase, reintroducing food back into my diet!
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Day 17 - Oh my god - I'm FINE!
It's Day 17 and as you may know if you've been reading that we've modified a bit and I'm in the re-introduction stage. So I'm still feeling a bit deprived. I re-introduced brown rice on Monday, having 3 servings that day and WOW! What a difference a grain makes! It's what my body needed and I'm feeling the way I did in week one - deprived but not all-out bat shit crazy. So that's a plus for EVERYONE involved. (Ask my friend Nina - she saw it first hand, but she was antagonizing me!)
I admit that I almost took a nose dive off the diet - adding brown rice was nearly a slippery slope into, "Fuck this shit - I'm eating and drinking whatever the hell I want!"But I thought of Erin, who's doing 100 days of NO SUGAR! and Nina who's on a 30-day cleanse. So it's like I have my own little informal support group that I'm making myself accountable to. Plus, I'm super competitive and if they can do it, then surely I can too!
So everything is ok here. But I have to clear somethings up for some people.
Apparently, Lefty's co-workers keep asking him in concerned voices if I'm ok. People seem to think I'm very sick. So to clarify:
1. Oh my God - I'm FINE!! Mostly. Kind of. Relatively. Sure, I have 2 bulging discs in my back and 14 years of chronic back pain, but I'm upright, walking around so I'm mostly JUST FINE. I don't need a brace or surgery or a cane. Of course, I'd rather be GREAT! riding my bike, training for a couple centuries this summer but I can't ride my bike for another couple of weeks. And that makes me SO. PROFOUNDLY SAD. So I'm sad. But I'm FINE! I'll be riding again in June.
2. I'm only doing this diet because I have digestive issues. And when people say, "digestive issues" they typically mean they don't poop very often or very well. So I'm trying to find out if it's food that's causing this. I've had some epic poops on this diet, I can't say I'm "regular." At my yearly physical yesterday, my primary care doctor - another AWESOME woman named Sarah Rice (who's glad I'm also seeing Dr. Pujari) said she thinks my belly bloats and I don't poop due to my colon with lots of twists and turns (I've heard this called TORTUOUS colon*!), so things just move really slow.
*Aside - I found out about my tortuous colon 5 years ago when I had a colonoscopy. The doctor told me, "You have the colon of a 65-year-old." HE SAID THAT. And when I gasped in disbelief, he said, "Well, you're no spring chicken." I was 41!!! He said my colon was flabby and lacked tone. I asked if there were colon exercises I could do to tone it back up and he said, "no. But a high fiber diet would help." And he note he sent my doctor gave the diagnosis of, "Aging colon syndrome." My doctor laughed and said she'd never seen that before in her life. I think she even rolled her eyes.
Recently, Dr. Pujari told me that there ARE things I can add to my diet - like chia seed - that will give my colon tone. So there, Dr. No-bedside-manner!
But all that being said, I'm not in pain. I don't have to give myself enemas. And my belly always goes back in once I poop, so all-in-all I'm just FINE.
3. The epilepsy is FINE. I don't pass out. I don't twitch. I'm able to drive. And I don't have to take those horrible anti-epileptic drugs. I live a completely normal life - better than most people with epilepsy. Better than a lot of people without epilepsy! The only thing I cannot ever do is scuba dive - and no loss there because the thought of being weighted down in the ocean with just a tank of air on your back being stalked by clown fish and great white sharks terrifies me. So, whew.
Only other thing I never do is swim alone or take a bath when I'm the only one in the house. But other than that, it barely affects my life. So it's FINE.
4. I don't have depression.
5. My arthritic knee is FINE. I'm old. I was a runner for 30 years. THIRTY YEARS OF RUNING! Of course I have arthritis. And it's not even in my entire knee. I'm old. It's normal. I can ride my bike for hundreds of miles. So really, it's FINE.
6. My incurable shitty ankle. It's shitty. And incurable. (see above: runner for 30 years. People: don't run. I know I know. I loved it too! And I miss it a LOT. But it's SO BAD for your joints!).
To understand more about my ankle, watch this brilliant explanation by Louis C.K.:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ey4WSb-BVDQ&noredirect=1
7. I have seasonal allergies. SO WHAT?
8. I'm neurotic. Yeah, so? You are too. And that's FINE. If your'e not neurotic, that's it's own special kind of neurotic. In fact, I think it's worse.
In sum, I'm not sick. I'm not diseased. I'm not on the verge of anything except a really good poop this morning.
I'm FINE.
Mostly.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Stop the madness! (Just add glucose)
It's 8:30 a.m. on Monday morning and I am feeling deprived. I'm feeling hungry and more important, I'm feeling depressed. Like the way I felt when I had postpartum depression. I'm talking to the doc on the phone today about the seizures I mentioned in my last post, and we'll talk about this depression too. Clearly, I shouldn't mess to much with the delicate balance I clearly have in my brain chemistry. We'll see what the doc says. I'm thinking I may need to add more carbs back into my diet.
1:00 p.m.
Spoke with the most wonderful Dr. Pujari a couple hours ago, who took time out of her vacation to call me this morning. She agreed that I'm not getting enough complex carbohydrates, so today I'm adding brown rice into my diet. And if I still don't feel better after that, she told me to forget the diet and go back to the way I was eating before. As she put it, the western medicine side of her does NOT want me depressed, even if it might be a "normal" symptom of detox in homeopathic medicine (she plays for both teams). We had a great conversation and she said it was good that I found out what kind of carbs my body and brain need since this info will help me my entire life. Short bursts from fruit aren't enough and too slow of a release of glucose from quinoa isn't working for me either is what she's thinking.
I'm still going to do "testing" where I'll add brown rice to my diet today (just had a serving) and while I'd normally wait 3 days to see how I feel, I'm going to keep it in my diet from now on. And then I'll add barley in a couple of days and then corn. But never adding in wheat since that's the "harshest" (my word) on the brain. She said if I'm feeling better adding in the grains, I can go ahead and keep testing by adding foods in slowly. Or I can say, fuck it" (my words again) and just start eating my normal diet.
For now, I'm concentrating on getting the glucose back to my poor, epileptic depressed brain. Hopefully, my sense of humor will return so you can once again enjoy reading this blog.
1:00 p.m.
Spoke with the most wonderful Dr. Pujari a couple hours ago, who took time out of her vacation to call me this morning. She agreed that I'm not getting enough complex carbohydrates, so today I'm adding brown rice into my diet. And if I still don't feel better after that, she told me to forget the diet and go back to the way I was eating before. As she put it, the western medicine side of her does NOT want me depressed, even if it might be a "normal" symptom of detox in homeopathic medicine (she plays for both teams). We had a great conversation and she said it was good that I found out what kind of carbs my body and brain need since this info will help me my entire life. Short bursts from fruit aren't enough and too slow of a release of glucose from quinoa isn't working for me either is what she's thinking.
I'm still going to do "testing" where I'll add brown rice to my diet today (just had a serving) and while I'd normally wait 3 days to see how I feel, I'm going to keep it in my diet from now on. And then I'll add barley in a couple of days and then corn. But never adding in wheat since that's the "harshest" (my word) on the brain. She said if I'm feeling better adding in the grains, I can go ahead and keep testing by adding foods in slowly. Or I can say, fuck it" (my words again) and just start eating my normal diet.
For now, I'm concentrating on getting the glucose back to my poor, epileptic depressed brain. Hopefully, my sense of humor will return so you can once again enjoy reading this blog.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Seize her!
This is what I was going to write about before my hangry episode on Friday. And this will explain the abundance of Ativan I seem to have.
I have a very mild form of epilepsy where I have what are technically seizures but not the kind you see on TV where the person falls to the floor and thrashes all over and foams at the mouth. Those people are either possessed or have been poisoned. Mine are WAY less dramatic. So much so that you would never know that the seizure is happening - but I do cuz it's all just in my head.
And by in my head I don't mean I'm imagining it. They're categorized as "simple partial" seizures and mine manifest in what's called a "psychic seizure," where I see all your deep dark secrets and can tell the future.
Not that cool, unfortunately.
All that happens is that I have a really strong feeling of déja vu, but not like a regular déja vu. Instead, I get a weird feeling in my stomach and it moves up to my head and my heart starts to race and it's more like a dream starts to play in my head and it feels like it's about to start coming true and it's really weird and hard o explain. I know this sounds really benign and it mostly is because I keep talking or doing whatever I'm doing and nothing on my body twitches or foams. But it's kind of a horrible feeling because these are also known as "auras" which, in people who have grand mal seizures, are the precursor to the big seizure where they pass out and twitch.
Thankfully, my auras only last about 20-30 seconds. And I function normally all the way through them.
The doctors say this is all due to scar tissue on my brain from the brain surgery I had when I was 27. But I think it's more likely that I was abducted by aliens and they planted a chip in my head and are doing experiments on my right now. (Doctors, schmoctors!)
(Don't freak out about the brain surgery, I'm fine. It wasn't cancer or anything.)
ANYWAY, one of the things my doctor is testing OUTSIDE of this diet is my progesterone because I usually have the seizures during menses, which is a common seizure trigger, this imbalance of progesterone and estrogen. If I have a big imbalance, we might be able to treat the seizures with progesterone cream or herbs instead of the Ativan and clonazepam I take now. That would be AWESOME because clearly, these medicines aren't working since I still have the auras.
But THIS month, during this elimination diet, I had more seizures than I have ever had in one month since they began 6 years ago. So I emailed the doc and she said it might be due to the detoxing or to the lack of refined sugar, but if I have any more we'll have to stop the diet. So,
FINGERS CROSSED!
Did I just say that?
We'll talk on the phone on Monday to check in.
I've found that my mood/blood sugar/brain chemistry (all that) is pretty sensitive and precarious right now. Besides the seizures, I've had a couple episodes of real depression when I haven't had enough food in my system and I'm thinking I need to reintroduce something - I don't know what - more carbs? to keep me in balance.
But I'll take belly bloat over seizures and depression any day.
I'm in kind of one of those funks right now and almonds are not getting me out of it.
So, sorry for the kind of lame, rambling blog post. It happens to the best of us.
I have a very mild form of epilepsy where I have what are technically seizures but not the kind you see on TV where the person falls to the floor and thrashes all over and foams at the mouth. Those people are either possessed or have been poisoned. Mine are WAY less dramatic. So much so that you would never know that the seizure is happening - but I do cuz it's all just in my head.
And by in my head I don't mean I'm imagining it. They're categorized as "simple partial" seizures and mine manifest in what's called a "psychic seizure," where I see all your deep dark secrets and can tell the future.
Not that cool, unfortunately.
All that happens is that I have a really strong feeling of déja vu, but not like a regular déja vu. Instead, I get a weird feeling in my stomach and it moves up to my head and my heart starts to race and it's more like a dream starts to play in my head and it feels like it's about to start coming true and it's really weird and hard o explain. I know this sounds really benign and it mostly is because I keep talking or doing whatever I'm doing and nothing on my body twitches or foams. But it's kind of a horrible feeling because these are also known as "auras" which, in people who have grand mal seizures, are the precursor to the big seizure where they pass out and twitch.
Thankfully, my auras only last about 20-30 seconds. And I function normally all the way through them.
The doctors say this is all due to scar tissue on my brain from the brain surgery I had when I was 27. But I think it's more likely that I was abducted by aliens and they planted a chip in my head and are doing experiments on my right now. (Doctors, schmoctors!)
(Don't freak out about the brain surgery, I'm fine. It wasn't cancer or anything.)
ANYWAY, one of the things my doctor is testing OUTSIDE of this diet is my progesterone because I usually have the seizures during menses, which is a common seizure trigger, this imbalance of progesterone and estrogen. If I have a big imbalance, we might be able to treat the seizures with progesterone cream or herbs instead of the Ativan and clonazepam I take now. That would be AWESOME because clearly, these medicines aren't working since I still have the auras.
But THIS month, during this elimination diet, I had more seizures than I have ever had in one month since they began 6 years ago. So I emailed the doc and she said it might be due to the detoxing or to the lack of refined sugar, but if I have any more we'll have to stop the diet. So,
FINGERS CROSSED!
Did I just say that?
We'll talk on the phone on Monday to check in.
I've found that my mood/blood sugar/brain chemistry (all that) is pretty sensitive and precarious right now. Besides the seizures, I've had a couple episodes of real depression when I haven't had enough food in my system and I'm thinking I need to reintroduce something - I don't know what - more carbs? to keep me in balance.
But I'll take belly bloat over seizures and depression any day.
I'm in kind of one of those funks right now and almonds are not getting me out of it.
So, sorry for the kind of lame, rambling blog post. It happens to the best of us.
Friday, May 2, 2014
HANGRY and SAD and HORRIBLE!!!!! (NSFW or kids)
So, it's been a bad day. It was my fault. I got sucked into fucking Facebook this morning and didn't get moving until about 10:30 which meant I was behind ALL FUCKING day.
What didn't help is that I did not plan my food, which I have found is paramount to success and key to not having your blood sugar crash which leads to yelling at fucking EVERYONE, even the mixer.
It's my son's 11th birthday today. Started out great. Then all of a sudden I realized I had to go to the grocery store in order to make his fucking Adventure Time cake that I had not planned at all and I had to go to the toy store. And why am I so fucking hungry suddenly? Oh, because it's ONE fucking o'clock and I haven't even had a glass of water since breakfast 3 hours ago!!!!! And now I only have one fucking hour before I have to pick up my daughter from school at 2:00.
So I go to the store. Great. Did I pick up a snack of nuts? No. Only SMART people do that! I went to try to find bendy Finn & Jake dolls for the birthday cake on this damn island, of which there are NONE. So I pick up my daughter and rush home but drop off my son's guitar first at his jam session and then rush home to bake the cake so I can go back and watch him jam.
But the fucking cake is FLAT and UNDERCOOKED even though I've made this FUCKING cake a BAZILLION times in the last 10 years!! I don't know what I did wrong because I still hadn't eaten a damn thing.
Lefty calls from his mountain bike ride and asks if I need anything from the store and I say no but he's suddenly chatty so I just have to say "bye" and hang up.
Because now I'm looking for this tiny tub of cream that the dermatologist gave me yesterday to put on the fucking bright red IMPETIGO I have on my upper lip that I developed after burning the SHIT out of my skin with anti-cancer cream that I'd put on an actinic keratosis. (look it up - it's pre-cancer. And i was supposed to burn it off with the cream). And I can't find the cream ANYWHERE and I'm SCREAMING!!!! So I dump the contents of my purse out on the table and holy shit I need to clean out my purse and it's not there. So I go to the car to see if it's there and it's not. So I text Nina to see if it fell out in her driveway when I dropped off the guitar but it's not. So I look in my empty purse again just to be sure and I go look in the car 3 more times and I look under the car.
This is important because it's not a prescription, it was a sample that the doctor handed me and I'm supposed to put it on my bright red infectious face EVERY HOUR. And I can't and I want this damn reed burning itchy spot to GO AWAY!!
And now it's 4:15.
So I call the dermatologist and the only person there is the helpless girl answering phones. My doctor and staff are gone. When she tries to calm me down by letting me know I can probably get another sample tomorrow but tomorrow is Saturday and I live on a FUCKING ISLAND so a trip to Seattle ain't gonna happen.
"Are there ANY doctors there?" I ask. No. they're all gone because it's so late in the day." It's 4 fucking 30! Are they all taking a 4:20 break or something? She's totally helpless and really can't do anything so I hang up and want to just CRY. I have to wrap my son's birthday presents but I suddenly can't function because I'm fixated on this medicine. I seriously can. not. function. All I can do is run from room to room like a crazy person looking for cream that isn' here.
So Lefty comes home and wraps the presents for me and doesn't say anything while I freak out stomping around the house yelling about what a mess everything is and that my cake is ruined and that I missed the jam session and WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT MEDICINE?????
Suddenly, a moment of clarity sets in and I call my regular doctor and tell her med asst. the situation and they call in a prescription. I calm down. Sort of.
Lefty goes to shower and I realize I have to eat before I kill the cat. I grab an avocado, cut it in half, squeeze lemon on it (no limes at our house today) and salt it and spoon the whole fucking avocado in my mouth in about T-45 seconds. In the meantime, I had been snacking on cut apples from yesterday - I reckon I had about 2 apples. And then I take 1/2 a banana and almond butter and mash it together and shove it in my pie hole in 3 bites. And now it's time to go to pizza (or salad for me). So I literally shove a handful of walnuts in my mouth and almost can't chew as I get in the car.
I'm still bitchy and angry and none of your jokes are funny right now, honey so take the hint and LEAVE ME ALONE BECAUSE I'M LOSING IT INSIDE!!!!
I bring along a water bottle and drink almost all 20 ounces by the time we get there and I think I might manage somewhat of a smile. We pull up to Treehouse and I announce,
"I'm having pizza and wine." And :Lefty says, "WHAT?"
I say, "No. But I want to."
i had a giant salad and water and an Ativan* and things got better half way through the salad. But I was SO CLOSE to falling off the wagon tonight, it was bad. I honestly thought that maybe lying on the bed in a ball crying sounded like a really good way to get through the night. But I didn't.
I have to say I'm proud of myself for not.
And I'm lucky to have a husband like Lefty. I never really lose my shit that big and he just sat there and let me freak out. Smart man. Smart man.
Lefty picked up my prescription (and a bottle of wine for him.!!!) on the way home while the kids and I sat in the car singing along to Fucking frozen songs. I put that shit (the ointment, not the wine) on my face STAT. And all was mosstly well.
I got home, walked right into the kitchen and made my kid's birthday cake out of a fucking box. I do NOT use cake mix. EVER. It's a low, but today, I 'll take it. The kids won't give a shit. And I won't be tempted to eat it. It's a win-win in the end.
It was a bad day. Let's hope tomorrow is better. 7 11-year-old boys will be sleeping in my house tomorrow night. And I'm NOT DRINKING!!
Now I'm going to whip up a frozen banana with almond butter and sprinkle that shit with cocoa powder and eat it in bed. With another Ativan.
And maybe not even brush my teeth.
Tomorrow I'll write about what i intended to write about today. It's WAY more interesting. It also explains why I have so many benzos sitting around.
g'night
*AKA Mother's Little Helper
Edit: Today's meals
Breakfast: Berry smoothie with almond milk, hemp seed protein powder & chia seed
Quinoa ceral with coconut and cinnamon
Lunch: light and air (see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/28/breatharian-barbie-valeria-lukyanova_n_4873706.html)
4:15 Snack: Found a couple of apple slices sitting around - ate about 10 of them while I looked for the cream/baked the cake
5:15: whole avocado with lemon juice & salt
5:25 !/2 mashed banana with almond butter
5:30 handful of walnuts
5:30-6:00 20 oz. water
6:15 "Cobb" salad - romaine, avocado, walnuts, chicken, green apples with oil & vinegar and salt. 3 pints of water
9:00 Dessert: frozen banana "ice cream" with almond butter and cocoa powder. Water
What didn't help is that I did not plan my food, which I have found is paramount to success and key to not having your blood sugar crash which leads to yelling at fucking EVERYONE, even the mixer.
It's my son's 11th birthday today. Started out great. Then all of a sudden I realized I had to go to the grocery store in order to make his fucking Adventure Time cake that I had not planned at all and I had to go to the toy store. And why am I so fucking hungry suddenly? Oh, because it's ONE fucking o'clock and I haven't even had a glass of water since breakfast 3 hours ago!!!!! And now I only have one fucking hour before I have to pick up my daughter from school at 2:00.
So I go to the store. Great. Did I pick up a snack of nuts? No. Only SMART people do that! I went to try to find bendy Finn & Jake dolls for the birthday cake on this damn island, of which there are NONE. So I pick up my daughter and rush home but drop off my son's guitar first at his jam session and then rush home to bake the cake so I can go back and watch him jam.
But the fucking cake is FLAT and UNDERCOOKED even though I've made this FUCKING cake a BAZILLION times in the last 10 years!! I don't know what I did wrong because I still hadn't eaten a damn thing.
Lefty calls from his mountain bike ride and asks if I need anything from the store and I say no but he's suddenly chatty so I just have to say "bye" and hang up.
Because now I'm looking for this tiny tub of cream that the dermatologist gave me yesterday to put on the fucking bright red IMPETIGO I have on my upper lip that I developed after burning the SHIT out of my skin with anti-cancer cream that I'd put on an actinic keratosis. (look it up - it's pre-cancer. And i was supposed to burn it off with the cream). And I can't find the cream ANYWHERE and I'm SCREAMING!!!! So I dump the contents of my purse out on the table and holy shit I need to clean out my purse and it's not there. So I go to the car to see if it's there and it's not. So I text Nina to see if it fell out in her driveway when I dropped off the guitar but it's not. So I look in my empty purse again just to be sure and I go look in the car 3 more times and I look under the car.
This is important because it's not a prescription, it was a sample that the doctor handed me and I'm supposed to put it on my bright red infectious face EVERY HOUR. And I can't and I want this damn reed burning itchy spot to GO AWAY!!
And now it's 4:15.
So I call the dermatologist and the only person there is the helpless girl answering phones. My doctor and staff are gone. When she tries to calm me down by letting me know I can probably get another sample tomorrow but tomorrow is Saturday and I live on a FUCKING ISLAND so a trip to Seattle ain't gonna happen.
"Are there ANY doctors there?" I ask. No. they're all gone because it's so late in the day." It's 4 fucking 30! Are they all taking a 4:20 break or something? She's totally helpless and really can't do anything so I hang up and want to just CRY. I have to wrap my son's birthday presents but I suddenly can't function because I'm fixated on this medicine. I seriously can. not. function. All I can do is run from room to room like a crazy person looking for cream that isn' here.
So Lefty comes home and wraps the presents for me and doesn't say anything while I freak out stomping around the house yelling about what a mess everything is and that my cake is ruined and that I missed the jam session and WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT MEDICINE?????
Suddenly, a moment of clarity sets in and I call my regular doctor and tell her med asst. the situation and they call in a prescription. I calm down. Sort of.
Lefty goes to shower and I realize I have to eat before I kill the cat. I grab an avocado, cut it in half, squeeze lemon on it (no limes at our house today) and salt it and spoon the whole fucking avocado in my mouth in about T-45 seconds. In the meantime, I had been snacking on cut apples from yesterday - I reckon I had about 2 apples. And then I take 1/2 a banana and almond butter and mash it together and shove it in my pie hole in 3 bites. And now it's time to go to pizza (or salad for me). So I literally shove a handful of walnuts in my mouth and almost can't chew as I get in the car.
I'm still bitchy and angry and none of your jokes are funny right now, honey so take the hint and LEAVE ME ALONE BECAUSE I'M LOSING IT INSIDE!!!!
I bring along a water bottle and drink almost all 20 ounces by the time we get there and I think I might manage somewhat of a smile. We pull up to Treehouse and I announce,
"I'm having pizza and wine." And :Lefty says, "WHAT?"
I say, "No. But I want to."
i had a giant salad and water and an Ativan* and things got better half way through the salad. But I was SO CLOSE to falling off the wagon tonight, it was bad. I honestly thought that maybe lying on the bed in a ball crying sounded like a really good way to get through the night. But I didn't.
I have to say I'm proud of myself for not.
And I'm lucky to have a husband like Lefty. I never really lose my shit that big and he just sat there and let me freak out. Smart man. Smart man.
Lefty picked up my prescription (and a bottle of wine for him.!!!) on the way home while the kids and I sat in the car singing along to Fucking frozen songs. I put that shit (the ointment, not the wine) on my face STAT. And all was mosstly well.
I got home, walked right into the kitchen and made my kid's birthday cake out of a fucking box. I do NOT use cake mix. EVER. It's a low, but today, I 'll take it. The kids won't give a shit. And I won't be tempted to eat it. It's a win-win in the end.
It was a bad day. Let's hope tomorrow is better. 7 11-year-old boys will be sleeping in my house tomorrow night. And I'm NOT DRINKING!!
Now I'm going to whip up a frozen banana with almond butter and sprinkle that shit with cocoa powder and eat it in bed. With another Ativan.
And maybe not even brush my teeth.
Tomorrow I'll write about what i intended to write about today. It's WAY more interesting. It also explains why I have so many benzos sitting around.
g'night
*AKA Mother's Little Helper
Edit: Today's meals
Breakfast: Berry smoothie with almond milk, hemp seed protein powder & chia seed
Quinoa ceral with coconut and cinnamon
Lunch: light and air (see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/28/breatharian-barbie-valeria-lukyanova_n_4873706.html)
4:15 Snack: Found a couple of apple slices sitting around - ate about 10 of them while I looked for the cream/baked the cake
5:15: whole avocado with lemon juice & salt
5:25 !/2 mashed banana with almond butter
5:30 handful of walnuts
5:30-6:00 20 oz. water
6:15 "Cobb" salad - romaine, avocado, walnuts, chicken, green apples with oil & vinegar and salt. 3 pints of water
9:00 Dessert: frozen banana "ice cream" with almond butter and cocoa powder. Water
Day 10 Dumpling Deprivation
Today was a hectic day of an appointment in Seattle, followed by errands, then running home and scarfing down a kale+apple+walnut+hemp seed salad then grabbing my son to take him to Seattle (3rd ferry crossing of the day) for a pre-birthday dinner at his favorite restaurant: Din Tai Fung.
http://dintaifungusa.com/
This, my friends, was deprivation.
Lefty and my son ate about a bazillion* of these
*just an estimation
And they had bbq spare ribs and sticky sweet bus. And Lefty drank beer. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!
I had sautéed cabbage with ginger and sautéed garlic green beans. Water and tea. The tea I had was really good. It felt special. Like a treat! But not really.
Nothing compares to these dumplings. And the mean waiters kept putting the bamboo baskets filled with steaming gluten-soy-sugar-filled dumplings right in front of me! Do not go to this place if you cannot eat dumplings. Or soy. It's TORTURE. Unless you're into torture, then run, don't walk to your torture chamber in Bellevue Square.
My son looked at me, dumpling precariously held in his chop sticks and said,
"WHY are you doing this diet?"
And I said, "I don't know. I want to cry, so be nice." Or something. My blood sugar was low, so my memory is fuzzy.
But this dinner wasn't about me - it was about him. He lives for dumplings and was over the moon to be there. So yay for him. I sat across from them, my plates of vegetables licked clean, sipping water and smiling at them - both so happilyshoving dumplings in their big, stupid dumpling holes. eating a lovely, delicious, special dinner.
Shockingly, I was still hungry after "dinner" so as soon as we got home (at 10:45 because we missed the 9:00 ferry by THIRTY SECONDS) I mashed up a banana and mixed it with some almond butter, ate it at the kitchen counter then went to bed.
Dumpling House - we get a re-do in June!!! I may leave with a bloated belly and headache, but at this point, I kind of don't care.
Today's food intake:
Breakfast - blackberry/blueberry/strawberry/almond milk smoothie with chia seed & hemp seed protein powder. Quinoa cereal with coconut and cinnamon.
Snack: walnuts and almonds
Lunch: kale/apple/walnut/hemp seed salad with lemon juice & olive oil
Snack: The Smoothie (this time with cocoa powder sprinkled in!
Dinner & dessert: (see above)
Water intake: shit ton
Green tea: 3-4 cups
http://dintaifungusa.com/
This, my friends, was deprivation.
Lefty and my son ate about a bazillion* of these
And they had bbq spare ribs and sticky sweet bus. And Lefty drank beer. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!
I had sautéed cabbage with ginger and sautéed garlic green beans. Water and tea. The tea I had was really good. It felt special. Like a treat! But not really.
Nothing compares to these dumplings. And the mean waiters kept putting the bamboo baskets filled with steaming gluten-soy-sugar-filled dumplings right in front of me! Do not go to this place if you cannot eat dumplings. Or soy. It's TORTURE. Unless you're into torture, then run, don't walk to your torture chamber in Bellevue Square.
My son looked at me, dumpling precariously held in his chop sticks and said,
"WHY are you doing this diet?"
And I said, "I don't know. I want to cry, so be nice." Or something. My blood sugar was low, so my memory is fuzzy.
But this dinner wasn't about me - it was about him. He lives for dumplings and was over the moon to be there. So yay for him. I sat across from them, my plates of vegetables licked clean, sipping water and smiling at them - both so happily
Shockingly, I was still hungry after "dinner" so as soon as we got home (at 10:45 because we missed the 9:00 ferry by THIRTY SECONDS) I mashed up a banana and mixed it with some almond butter, ate it at the kitchen counter then went to bed.
Dumpling House - we get a re-do in June!!! I may leave with a bloated belly and headache, but at this point, I kind of don't care.
Today's food intake:
Breakfast - blackberry/blueberry/strawberry/almond milk smoothie with chia seed & hemp seed protein powder. Quinoa cereal with coconut and cinnamon.
Snack: walnuts and almonds
Lunch: kale/apple/walnut/hemp seed salad with lemon juice & olive oil
Snack: The Smoothie (this time with cocoa powder sprinkled in!
Dinner & dessert: (see above)
Water intake: shit ton
Green tea: 3-4 cups
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