So, it's been a bad day. It was my fault. I got sucked into fucking Facebook this morning and didn't get moving until about 10:30 which meant I was behind ALL FUCKING day.
What didn't help is that I did not plan my food, which I have found is paramount to success and key to not having your blood sugar crash which leads to yelling at fucking EVERYONE, even the mixer.
It's my son's 11th birthday today. Started out great. Then all of a sudden I realized I had to go to the grocery store in order to make his fucking Adventure Time cake that I had not planned at all and I had to go to the toy store. And why am I so fucking hungry suddenly? Oh, because it's ONE fucking o'clock and I haven't even had a glass of water since breakfast 3 hours ago!!!!! And now I only have one fucking hour before I have to pick up my daughter from school at 2:00.
So I go to the store. Great. Did I pick up a snack of nuts? No. Only SMART people do that! I went to try to find bendy Finn & Jake dolls for the birthday cake on this damn island, of which there are NONE. So I pick up my daughter and rush home but drop off my son's guitar first at his jam session and then rush home to bake the cake so I can go back and watch him jam.
But the fucking cake is FLAT and UNDERCOOKED even though I've made this FUCKING cake a BAZILLION times in the last 10 years!! I don't know what I did wrong because I still hadn't eaten a damn thing.
Lefty calls from his mountain bike ride and asks if I need anything from the store and I say no but he's suddenly chatty so I just have to say "bye" and hang up.
Because now I'm looking for this tiny tub of cream that the dermatologist gave me yesterday to put on the fucking bright red IMPETIGO I have on my upper lip that I developed after burning the SHIT out of my skin with anti-cancer cream that I'd put on an actinic keratosis. (look it up - it's pre-cancer. And i was supposed to burn it off with the cream). And I can't find the cream ANYWHERE and I'm SCREAMING!!!! So I dump the contents of my purse out on the table and holy shit I need to clean out my purse and it's not there. So I go to the car to see if it's there and it's not. So I text Nina to see if it fell out in her driveway when I dropped off the guitar but it's not. So I look in my empty purse again just to be sure and I go look in the car 3 more times and I look under the car.
This is important because it's not a prescription, it was a sample that the doctor handed me and I'm supposed to put it on my bright red infectious face EVERY HOUR. And I can't and I want this damn reed burning itchy spot to GO AWAY!!
And now it's 4:15.
So I call the dermatologist and the only person there is the helpless girl answering phones. My doctor and staff are gone. When she tries to calm me down by letting me know I can probably get another sample tomorrow but tomorrow is Saturday and I live on a FUCKING ISLAND so a trip to Seattle ain't gonna happen.
"Are there ANY doctors there?" I ask. No. they're all gone because it's so late in the day." It's 4 fucking 30! Are they all taking a 4:20 break or something? She's totally helpless and really can't do anything so I hang up and want to just CRY. I have to wrap my son's birthday presents but I suddenly can't function because I'm fixated on this medicine. I seriously can. not. function. All I can do is run from room to room like a crazy person looking for cream that isn' here.
So Lefty comes home and wraps the presents for me and doesn't say anything while I freak out stomping around the house yelling about what a mess everything is and that my cake is ruined and that I missed the jam session and WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT MEDICINE?????
Suddenly, a moment of clarity sets in and I call my regular doctor and tell her med asst. the situation and they call in a prescription. I calm down. Sort of.
Lefty goes to shower and I realize I have to eat before I kill the cat. I grab an avocado, cut it in half, squeeze lemon on it (no limes at our house today) and salt it and spoon the whole fucking avocado in my mouth in about T-45 seconds. In the meantime, I had been snacking on cut apples from yesterday - I reckon I had about 2 apples. And then I take 1/2 a banana and almond butter and mash it together and shove it in my pie hole in 3 bites. And now it's time to go to pizza (or salad for me). So I literally shove a handful of walnuts in my mouth and almost can't chew as I get in the car.
I'm still bitchy and angry and none of your jokes are funny right now, honey so take the hint and LEAVE ME ALONE BECAUSE I'M LOSING IT INSIDE!!!!
I bring along a water bottle and drink almost all 20 ounces by the time we get there and I think I might manage somewhat of a smile. We pull up to Treehouse and I announce,
"I'm having pizza and wine." And :Lefty says, "WHAT?"
I say, "No. But I want to."
i had a giant salad and water and an Ativan* and things got better half way through the salad. But I was SO CLOSE to falling off the wagon tonight, it was bad. I honestly thought that maybe lying on the bed in a ball crying sounded like a really good way to get through the night. But I didn't.
I have to say I'm proud of myself for not.
And I'm lucky to have a husband like Lefty. I never really lose my shit that big and he just sat there and let me freak out. Smart man. Smart man.
Lefty picked up my prescription (and a bottle of wine for him.!!!) on the way home while the kids and I sat in the car singing along to Fucking frozen songs. I put that shit (the ointment, not the wine) on my face STAT. And all was mosstly well.
I got home, walked right into the kitchen and made my kid's birthday cake out of a fucking box. I do NOT use cake mix. EVER. It's a low, but today, I 'll take it. The kids won't give a shit. And I won't be tempted to eat it. It's a win-win in the end.
It was a bad day. Let's hope tomorrow is better. 7 11-year-old boys will be sleeping in my house tomorrow night. And I'm NOT DRINKING!!
Now I'm going to whip up a frozen banana with almond butter and sprinkle that shit with cocoa powder and eat it in bed. With another Ativan.
And maybe not even brush my teeth.
Tomorrow I'll write about what i intended to write about today. It's WAY more interesting. It also explains why I have so many benzos sitting around.
g'night
*AKA Mother's Little Helper
Edit: Today's meals
Breakfast: Berry smoothie with almond milk, hemp seed protein powder & chia seed
Quinoa ceral with coconut and cinnamon
Lunch: light and air (see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/28/breatharian-barbie-valeria-lukyanova_n_4873706.html)
4:15 Snack: Found a couple of apple slices sitting around - ate about 10 of them while I looked for the cream/baked the cake
5:15: whole avocado with lemon juice & salt
5:25 !/2 mashed banana with almond butter
5:30 handful of walnuts
5:30-6:00 20 oz. water
6:15 "Cobb" salad - romaine, avocado, walnuts, chicken, green apples with oil & vinegar and salt. 3 pints of water
9:00 Dessert: frozen banana "ice cream" with almond butter and cocoa powder. Water
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